i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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