come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You made out with two different species that night
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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