she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.