If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride