chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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