im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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