This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
