were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
