Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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