The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
