Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My penis needs a shock collar
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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