drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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