I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
