addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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