Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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