hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
