I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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