If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How external is "for external use only"?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think pants incapable of making pants work
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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