In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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