Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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