Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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