I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Randomize