On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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