i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
