apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
