Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
