omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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