I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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