worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
