I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
