someone threw a dead crab at me
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.