Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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