so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
40s are totally the cure
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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