Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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