my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dignity is for republicans.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think people are normalizing furries
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
