Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
This house was built for laser tag.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
