You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I want to fling myself into the sun
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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