May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And then my night got REAL pukey
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
