I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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