I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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