hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
