I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
