11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
