god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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