I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
