Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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