i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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