Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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