He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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