i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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