We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She told me I should be a condom model.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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