Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
