I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
