You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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