There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
