I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
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hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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