Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
