he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
false alarm. still invincible.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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