I wish my penis had an off switch
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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