I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize