I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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