Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
